Let’s talk about the Discard

I’ve known and thought that I loved 6 different personality disordered individuals in my lifetime. I felt like a magnet for these lopsided relationships.

I remember each way I was discarded:

  1. I was cheated on in such an obvious and disrespectful way.
  2. I was served with divorce papers by surprise to my mother’s house when I didn’t live with my mother.
  3. I was punched, hit, and almost forced to be locked inside my own bedroom closet.
  4. I was dragged across my living room floor until an “Indian burn” was formed on my arm. I still have this scar to this day. It’s permanent.
  5. I was told to move out of the house.
  6. I was told the “friendship” was over and it was my fault, for no specified reason.

Thinking about these discard experiences, it feels as though that can’t be the truth. It feels like it happened to another person. And in a way, of course that’s true, because I am such a different person now. And in many ways, I am still the same.

I don’t tolerate B.S. anymore in any form.

But I do still find it hard to speak up immediately about the B.S. I witness.

Really, it just makes me tired to witness evil. That’s one of the things about being an empath. Our energy is so easily affected and drained.

Are you an empath? Take this quiz.

The upside: The only way to truly appreciate a good relationship may be to witness a bad one. Whenever I get in a new relationship, I will appreciate the heck out of him!

Gray Rock Strategy: Take inventory of your crappy relationships. What happened that you will absolutely never tolerate ever again? What boundaries can you identify were trampled over?

Homework: Write down every romantic partner you’ve ever had. List 5 pros and cons of each relationship.

Okay, so if you’ve been discarded and you’re spiraling…like, the pain is so intense and you feel like you can’t breathe, I have a special gift just for you, because I am just now starting my blog and I’m not overcrowded just yet. And, I truly want to help people conquer and slay the demons of narcissistic abuse.

 

I didn’t land on Gray Rock, Gray Rock landed on me.

How did I get here?

That’s what I was wondering as I considered how I had allowed myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of by a person 10 years my junior, with whom I was practicing, as Lena Dunham states, “platonic bed sharing.” Platonic bed sharing is that most humiliating pastime of sleeping in the bed with someone while no sex, or affection, or attention is shared. No cuddling, no snuggling at all. In a word? Pathetic.

I stared at the ceiling asking myself, “How did I get here?”

The answer for me at that moment was, “You gave away your power, on purpose, out of fear and self loathing.”

I was pretty satisfied with that answer. And then of course, came the next obvious question: “Why??”

This was a far less satisfying thing to ponder…why would I intentionally give away my wonderful spirit and energy to someone who (for reasons other than bed sharing) made me feel less than good enough?

I’m pretty certain now that the reason was I just didn’t think I deserved true happiness. I know now that even though the person lying next to me didn’t want anything to do with me romantically and was emotionally unavailable–so was I.

He was the perfect instrument for me to use to hurt myself. Some people are cutters, some are compulsive tattoo consumers, some are binge eaters, but I would get a “friend” with (very few, if any) benefits and proceed to almost kill myself using their soulless, demonic, empty heart and lack of affection to hurt myself.

Many of us have seen the research that says that emotional and physical pain activate similar brain regions. I hadn’t ever read that research and I knew that, because that was my weapon of choice, a constant onslaught of emotional abuse. I was self destructive in the sense that no low was too low for me to go in pursuit of being taken advantage of.

I really thought these individuals–get this–would value how much I deferred to them and never stood up for myself. LOL. I can laugh now, but wow…where in the world would I have ever conceived of such a notion. I actually thought that was love. How foolish I was.

In every post:

The upside: Playing small actually means you’re acting to hide a big talent. More on this to come.

Gray Rock Strategy: Find out where you’ve hidden your needs. That’s it. Just locate where you put them. For example, when you are lonely, do you bother to tell yourself that? Do you bother to experience the fullness of that sensation? Or do you bury it and stuff it down inside?

Homework: The next time you feel anything above a 5 on a scale of 1-10, visualize or write down where you would imagine that feeling is coming from. What does it feel like to feel it? Get in touch with every detail of your every feeling.

*Hint: We’re about to fall in love with ourselves, again. Slowly. And for good.

Until next time, Rockstars…

In the comments below: Who here can relate? Have you ever used a human, that only Ted Bundy could love, to hurt yourself?

 

Welcome to GoGrayRock.com

I am happy to have you here as we explore the techniques required to maintain emotional sanity in such a draining narcissistic world. I plan to share my upper level tactics for how I maintain Gray Rock, which for those who are not aware is a strategy that takes “No Contact” to a very sophisticated level. I’ll get into all the details as we go along, but first let me just welcome you all. Thank you so much for joining me!