Meghan Trainor sang it best. “I know you’re lying, ’cause your lips are moving”
Here’s the thing about narcs, they are liars. Period. So, you really cannot listen to anything they say. The thing I see most often that worries me to no end is people who give any sort of weight to what those deceivers say. For example, if a narc tells their target source of supply “I think you’re putting on weight, you may not want to wear such bright colors, it just makes you look fatter.” Clearly, this is a terrible insult; however, the proper response is one that a) focuses on the motive behind what was said and ignores b) what was actually said.
A mistake would be for the target to say to themselves, “I have been putting on weight, maybe I should just stick to wearing black.”
A better exchange would be the following:
Narc: “Could you not talk while I’m watching the game? It’s annoying and distracting.”
Target: “There were a million nicer ways you could’ve made that request, but then again, you’re not nice now are you?” Then gets up and leaves.
Narc: “Your hair looks hideous like that, why’d you change it?”
Target: “Because it’s mine and I can” Then gets up and leaves or stays and ignores the narc.
Whichever way you go about it the key is to act as if whatever mean thing they’ve said was spoken in a language you don’t speak and don’t understand.
The upside: Use the things they say to try and figure out what their motive is, it could be to simply lower your self esteem or it may be to relieve you of your money or time or resources, but the funny thing about narcs is they are woefully transparent. It is actually really easy to manipulate them, because strangely enough, they never see it coming. More on that topic in another post.
Gray Rock Strategy: Listen to the emotion behind the words and not their actual words. Listen to the cadence and tone of voice. Listen as if you were an alien trying to figure out human communication, what if anything can you discover once you stop focusing on the words being said?
Homework: Review past text messages or emails as long as these will not be a trigger for you to make contact with the narc. Don’t read for comprehension, read for emotional content and motive.