How did I get here?
That’s what I was wondering as I considered how I had allowed myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of by a person 10 years my junior, with whom I was practicing, as Lena Dunham states, “platonic bed sharing.” Platonic bed sharing is that most humiliating pastime of sleeping in the bed with someone while no sex, or affection, or attention is shared. No cuddling, no snuggling at all. In a word? Pathetic.
I stared at the ceiling asking myself, “How did I get here?”
The answer for me at that moment was, “You gave away your power, on purpose, out of fear and self loathing.”
I was pretty satisfied with that answer. And then of course, came the next obvious question: “Why??”
This was a far less satisfying thing to ponder…why would I intentionally give away my wonderful spirit and energy to someone who (for reasons other than bed sharing) made me feel less than good enough?
I’m pretty certain now that the reason was I just didn’t think I deserved true happiness. I know now that even though the person lying next to me didn’t want anything to do with me romantically and was emotionally unavailable–so was I.
He was the perfect instrument for me to use to hurt myself. Some people are cutters, some are compulsive tattoo consumers, some are binge eaters, but I would get a “friend” with (very few, if any) benefits and proceed to almost kill myself using their soulless, demonic, empty heart and lack of affection to hurt myself.
Many of us have seen the research that says that emotional and physical pain activate similar brain regions. I hadn’t ever read that research and I knew that, because that was my weapon of choice, a constant onslaught of emotional abuse. I was self destructive in the sense that no low was too low for me to go in pursuit of being taken advantage of.
I really thought these individuals–get this–would value how much I deferred to them and never stood up for myself. LOL. I can laugh now, but wow…where in the world would I have ever conceived of such a notion. I actually thought that was love. How foolish I was.
In every post:
The upside: Playing small actually means you’re acting to hide a big talent. More on this to come.
Gray Rock Strategy: Find out where you’ve hidden your needs. That’s it. Just locate where you put them. For example, when you are lonely, do you bother to tell yourself that? Do you bother to experience the fullness of that sensation? Or do you bury it and stuff it down inside?
Homework: The next time you feel anything above a 5 on a scale of 1-10, visualize or write down where you would imagine that feeling is coming from. What does it feel like to feel it? Get in touch with every detail of your every feeling.
*Hint: We’re about to fall in love with ourselves, again. Slowly. And for good.
Until next time, Rockstars…
In the comments below: Who here can relate? Have you ever used a human, that only Ted Bundy could love, to hurt yourself?